Shattered Dreams

that is how I feel these days... I had HUGE hopes of taking an orphan into our home and loving them as our own...crash. I was reclaiming my temple and was fighting to reshape it to a more glorious place for Jesus... fail. I thought that the ability to pay off some bills with tax money would signal a year without struggle... crash. I thought that not having a "little" in the house was a calling to another place and mission work... splat. Do you hear those shattered dreams? Oh you bet I did!

I have mourned the child I will not get to rescue from a painful life of not being truly loved. I have mourned the adventure of seeing God move among a group I do not know. I have mourned the calm, easier year we were to have. I have mourned the time at the Y.

"What is it that has shattered your dreams?" you ask? Pregnancy. I know it's a child and once it is here, I will not know what life is like now. But it has been a 10 ton boulder in my world. I am not over the mourning yet, I do not want to have the "clap, clap, it's a baby, let's dream" party yet.

I feel like a deflated balloon everyday around 5pm. I have to add strep to the mix now and realize that part of my nausea is that too but right now I just feel bad. Sick and Ick... I can't function in my own home. I can't wash dishes because my sink smells like day old dishes (or three days by now). I can't enjoy the sun because there is mud all over my children and it stinks. I can't hang out in the house and feel ok because the dog stinks, the laundry stinks (yes clean and dirty), the cat stinks from being outside... I can't puke and feel better because the bathroom is dirty and stinky and the thought of cleaning it makes me more nauseous. I feel like screaming at God and saying IT ALL STINKS!

Read carefully... I am not upset by the fact that I am pregnant, I am upset by the fact that it changes everything. Can you see it? I will rejoice in the gift in my womb soon, but right now I am in an icky, pity party. I feel terrible and really want to get over this stage asap!

Just pray for me, send me hints for morning sickness, and love me. I am not ready to dream again just yet...